Control+F My Life

Originally written June 9, 2011

I was searching for you.

I stopped at every corner

Searched through every line for you,

and you where no where to be found.

I had even checked my own spine

to see if I had the back bone;

to truly stomach the fact that I had lost you.

I sent my self on a spiral bound of false hope.

Hoping that I will glance at you again.

But all I find are blank white stares

lined with the coldness of icy blue hearts

I’m not sure when I lost you,

If I left you, or just truly just forgot you

I’d rather tell everyone you ran away from me

then I would have an excuse for your absence

How could I be that irresponsible

to crumble you up and throw you away

into a wastebasket of “not good enoughs”

and “I don’t feel like its”,

to hold you back and not letting

you get a chance to show others what you can do.

How selfish.

Not even ready to admit to myself

that I am giving up on you

or at least making it seem as such.

So I search for you in my denial.

Although I know how this search will end

I still continue to examine over the lines

like eye witness testimony that will finally set me free

from this 8 by 11 cell that jails me everyday.

That I bury my self in relentlessly

Maybe

telling myself that I’ve lost you

Will stop others from realizing I’m loosing me

Hopefully, one day,

when I do finally find you.

You will be the perfect piece

Perforated and torn away from me